Christina Dodd did a great post about fathers and their fatherly advice at the Squawk Radio Blog which instantly led me to thinking about the things I learned from my own father, and the other male influences in my life. I think it’s relevant here because I believe what we have learned from the men in our lives shows up in our fiction, one way or another. Here, most of us write romance so at least one male character is central in all of our stories.
I have shared some tough stories about my relationship with my father with my writing group, and even more with my Girls in the Basement class and longtime friends, but despite the water under the bridge, I love my dad like crazy cakes. He was born during the depression. His parents lived in a box car on an acre of land ten miles outside of the Quad cities. After my dad was born, my grandfather built the house my dad grew up in—he also built the barn, the garage, and the chicken coop. At night, my grandfather worked at a factory, but by day he had big dreams. He was a Golden Gloves boxing champ who had gotten himself into big trouble as a young man, trouble that barred him from joining the military and fighting for his country in World War II. My grandfather had two or three mental breakdowns before my dad reached the age of eighteen. The first was triggered by WWII and the fact that he couldn't go. My dad remembers men in white jackets coming from the state mental health hospital to take my grandfather away.
My grandfather never forgave his wife for calling the state mental health hospital. By all accounts, what he endured was not pretty (up for some old school shock therapy anyone?) . Meanwhile, for two years, my dad went to live with his grandparents and he remembers that time with great fondness. After that, he was shipped off to work on farms every summer. I won’t give a blow by blow of everything my dad went through—but he’s a pretty amazing guy when it comes right down to it. He fought tooth and nail to go to college, to get away, to create a different kind of life for himself. The problem is that he bottled so much up inside that years later it came out in unhealthy ways-- but you know what? He just keeps getting wiser and wiser every year. And he's fun. Really fun. My son just adores Grandpa.
Here are some things I learned from my dad:
- Education is extremely important as is equal access to education. (He is a retired teacher.)
- Teachers can have cult followings like rock stars. ( He did.)
- Always have a tool box, spare tire, jumper cables, a first aid kit, a flash light, a bottle of water and a blanket in your car.
- Guys between the ages of 13 and 29 have sex on the brain, no matter what they say.
- People will always try to pull you down to their level (intellectually, morally, spiritually or whatever)—try to pull them up. If you can't, loosen your grip and let go.
- Set priorities and stick to them. His suggestion; (1) God/Spirit; (2) Family; (3) Values; (4) Work.
- You can always, always change how you think and turn things around—no matter what.
- Looking someone square in the eye with shoulders straight and a cocked chin, and then telling them how it is will almost always put a glean in an alpha male’s eye. He also told me not to bother with the rest -- the non-alphas (in terms of dating), because they'll never "get" me.
- That a guy that can’t come to the door and chit chat with him-- or eat one of his hot tamale omelets-- without being intimidated is not an alpha, and is very likely up to no good.
- That team sports build confidence and teach people how to work together-- and bond.
- How to forgive.
- How to barbecue just about anything.
- How to wash every square inch of a car—including the tires. (Tires and windows are very important! If you miss those, or don't do them right, you are an amateur car washer.)
- How to ride a bicycle forwards and backwards (sitting on the handlebars to peddle).
- How to tape my own ankle after spraining it.
- How to clean out and stitch up my own cut.
- That being feisty isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but either is learning to control your temper.
- That knowing how to throw a good right hook isn’t a bad thing—but once you know how, you don’t have to show it off just because you can.
- That you don’t cry after you get hurt physically. You cuss at the wind (ha!)
- To respect my elders and ancestors.
- That only sissies need braces—those of us with true grit can bare having crooked, junk yard dog teeth. ( Seriously—it was a money thing).
- That the only thing to eat after a night of drinking is eggs and bacon at a greasy spoon.
- That men show love by doing stuff like fixing your car time and time again, even if it means driving two hundred miles round trip three times in one week.
- Let the boy ( my son, Dante) putter around with stuff. It is how he will learn to be handy.
- No girls' names for boys-- please! ( His name is Jan.)
- That a fragile heart has nothing to do with one’s ability to love—or stick around.
- Respect the mess and the mysterious—life is beautiful, not despite the mess, but because of it. Out of the mess grows compassion, mercy and depth.
Oh, and supposedly I’m better than-- or at the very least just as good as --practically everybody. Mostly better than. Gotta love dads. Of course, at this point, I have a fantastic right hook (although my right cross is better) that I rarely show off, an alpha hubby-- and there are jumper cables, a tool box, etc. in my clean car with clean tires. Actually not so clean at the moment due to the weather. Ha! It started sleeting the moment I finished the tires a few days ago . . . isn't that always the way?
I was going to go into what I learned from my mom’s dad and all the boys I have loved or that loved me—or both. Since this is already long enough, I’ll wait till next time. Up next-- my cousins (I don't have brothers, unfortunately), old boyfriends, a few friends and the dear husband. Or maybe just an ode to all the boys I have loved before. That would be fun-- well, mostly.
How about you, what did you learn from your father? Your other male influences?
Cheers and happy writing--
Alyson
P.S. Mom, I will give you your due-- I promise. And, of course, Dante adores you, too and you are SO fun and wise! (I have a very sensitive family.)
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