The Mystery of Attraction

I wonder if I can write off speed dating as a business expense. It’s certainly good research on attraction and what makes an appealing hero (or not) at first meet.

Last night I went on eight 8-minute dates and one date that lasted well beyond its allotted time.

I hate to categorize anyone, but in the interest of this blog, I’m doing it anyway. Betas. I met several. Maybe more than that. I’ve concluded through a completely unscientific study that speed-dating is right up the Beta’s alley. I’m betting the Alpha guys go for the more assertive methods of meeting women. Maybe going in cold at a bar without backup. Or at a monster truck show. Or maybe a rugby match. Whatever the reason, Betas were well represented last night and the Alphas were scarce.

Regardless of which type they were, I made a few observations about what might send the wrong signal to a heroine. Limp handshakes. This heroine didn’t get turned on in any way by the few guys who couldn’t manage to grab on. Seriously, if their hands are limp, well, never mind.

Questions about how the heroine feels about their perceived less-than-desirable attributes don’t go over well either. Like how she feels about guys with thinning hair (his was half gone), or 5’10” on a man, or hazel eyes (who cares?), or what she thought of him the moment she laid eyes on him, or the lack of money in his wallet due to his making-ends-meet day job.

Although he may desperately want reassurance about these things, if our hero asks for affirmation on a first-meet, he may give the impression that he’s not too confident in his skin. And confidence is a big turn on. I’m not talking arrogant over-confidence here, but a healthy sense of self and what he has to offer.

Confidence can make a balding man with a comb-over look sexy. It can also make a 5’4” guy look 5’10”, or at least 5’6”. The attributes don’t matter nearly as much as his attitude toward them.

To demonstrate how confidence can make or break a guy’s approach, I’ll share a little of what I experienced last night.

One of the guys hung on after his eight minutes were up and we talked for quite a while. He was the last one in the circuit, so no one came to bump him onward and, although I wasn’t particularly attracted to him, I enjoyed the conversation and found him interesting. He talked a lot about music, which he loves, and we discussed the film industry, which I used to work in and which he’s somewhat involved in now. He showed great enthusiasm for everything he spoke of and was quite engaging.

At first.

Then he suggested we go get something to eat and I politely declined. Honestly, I was very polite and suggested we go another time. After that, his insecurity surfaced and those questions began. And then he started making a case for why I should date him…he’s taller than me…he can get us into free movies…he knows all kinds of people in the music industry…he loved my silver jewelry…and what I was wearing…and has references…

He took a peek at my scorecard for the night and was clearly alarmed that I had marked down a few guys I’d like to see again. Then he made the big push for a date on Saturday night.

Too big.

I actually told him to ease up.

In hindsight, I think he was trying to book me up before someone else did. All of which should be very flattering, and I guess it is, but in sort of a disappointing back-handed way.

He came across as desperate.

Desperation is not attractive.

At the end of his initial 8 minutes, I thought I’d like to see him again. By the time he finished his extended time nearly an hour later, I wasn’t so interested.

Oh well. I met a few others who did have confidence and a firm handshake. Perhaps one of them will want to continue our conversation past those eight minutes.

However the dating turns out, the experience provided an abundance of material for present and future stories.

I could always give the limp handshake to the guy I don’t want my heroine to end up with. Just to give her and the readers something to think about.

Katrina